Back to doom and gloom . . .
On a side note - I would like to acknowledge the ladies who have written comments to my posts. Thank you. It means a lot to me, sharing a part of your story. And your past hurt.
Back to massage school . . .
While in school I started reading a lot of John Eldredge books. It actually started when I walked into a Christian bookstore with no direction but to buy one book. I let my heart lead, and it took me to this book.
It was a great beginning of healing. Not so much with my infertility - but more a healing of being a woman, and breaking barriers of who I thought and what I thought about myself.
And sometime during this time, I can't remember if it was while reading this book, or after - but I was reading 1 Samuel chapter 1. Now I know that this was Hannah's story. But promise #2 came. Verse 17: . . . go in peace: and the God of Israel grant thee thy petition that thou hast asked of him . . . verse 20 . . . Hannah had conceived, that she bare a son, and called his name Samuel, saying, because I have asked him of the Lord.
Through reading this, I knew that I was going to have a son. It was as if God walked down and said, "this is for you - I'm talking about you."
Also a key part of our story was what we were praying. Both Big D and I want, truly want God's will. And even though I knew I would have a son, I didn't know where or how he would come to us. Meaning, I didn't know if I was going to conceive or if we would adopt. My heart wanted to conceive. . . . . . We would pray, "God, if it's your will, we would like to have a baby. But if its not what you want for us, then we're ok with that too." It was the most wishy washy whiney prayer ever. More on that later.
Every month I would go beserk with pregnancy tests. I really should have bought stock . . . any person who has struggled/struggles with infertility knows what I'm talking about.
Days before my period was supposed to arrive, I just needed to take a test. I needed to emotionally prepare myself. I needed to know as soon as possible, to expect my period, versus hanging on to a few late days thinking there was a possibility. Because after getting 24 periods back to back, you believe that they will always come. But you always hope that maybe one day . . . And every month, there is hope. Small as it may be, there's always hope. And after every failed pregnancy test and first period day, it seems there is no air left to breath. And you wonder how much longer, how many more periods until there isn't one.
I understand that was the most confusing paragraph known to man-kind. And that kind of sums up how it actually is - emotionally. It's hope and dread and despair and maybe all wrapped into one.
Period number 29 was due. I took my too early test - which came back negative. But by the 5th week of being period free I thought I might need to take another test.
I remember I had to work my lifeguard job that day. I was out of tests, so I left to go to work a little early - giving myself enough time to pick up some more tests at the drugstore. I took the test, in a very secluded bathroom. After a few minutes a very faint line appeared. I almost had to convince myself that there was a line.
I don't remember how I felt at work. I don't remember telling Big D that I was pregnant.
But I do remember the next day. I woke up feeling so free. So queenish. Thinking, "this is it. This is where my story of infertility ends". So happy.
And that's all I'm going to write today.
No comments:
Post a Comment