4 Pregnancies, 2 Births - 1

I'm going to do this.  I'm going to write about my journey of infertility and miscarriage.  I've never written down the whole story.  And I need too.  Time has healed some and I feel brave enough to share about Big D's and my very personal story.

I also hope that you will share your story.  When you feel brave enough. Because what I've found, is that so many women have and are bathed in infertility and miscarriage.  This is a part of who we are.  But we women hold it too close.  And the new mama's don't know that we have a history.  And the cycle continues.  Are we ashamed?  Or in grief?  Whatever the case, we have turned it into this taboo topic.

I hate that nobody talks about the very realness of infertility and miscarriage.  I hate that we get asked, "how many kids do you want?"  And we except to have what we want.  I hate that people are rude enough and ask very personal questions that revolve around you and your partner's sex life.

Anyway, here's our story:

When I got pregnant with Murnice, it was a "whwhwhoooooaaaaa" thing.  I don't like to say a "whoops".  Anyway, the point of that whole statement is that I got pregnant very easily.  On the first explosion inside my lady bits.

I promptly got an IUD after giving birth.  And I don't regret that decision. After exactly a year, I had it removed because I felt emotionally stable enough to have another baby.  I assumed I would be pregnant within a month. 

Within "that" month - (I'm not sure if it was the following Sunday, or 3 Sundays later) I was up front shaking my money maker (kidding, just dancing) and God said to me, "I'll give you a baby at the right time".  And I said, "yeah that's neat God, but now is the right time."  And he chuckled and snortled.  And I went on dancing.

That was my first promise.  It was August 2006.

From that first promise to Ed, time has become very jumbled in my head.  I don't have a timeline, just a general idea.

The next two years were filled with a lot of frustrations and anger.  It was really easy to question the IUD, wondering if that was the culprit.  I just needed something to blame at that time.  It was awful whenever friends or family announced that they were having ANOTHER baby.  I felt I needed this personal warning that Billy and Susie were going to start trying to have a baby.  I needed to emotionally prepare myself that there was going to be a baby announcement sometime in the future.  It was the absolute WORST being taken off guard with a baby announcement.  And I would have to force a smile out and say something nice.  When in reality I hated their very being, and would cry for a million hours after I was alone. 

I remember Big D and I didn't make too much of a fuss over actual intercourse.  I never got crazy about temperature or secretions, or feelings of love, or any of that stuff that can make infertile couples hate sex.  We bunnified when we wanted and how we wanted.  Although we did start using a pH friendly lube that wouldn't kill Big D's baby makers.

And that's all I'm going to write today.