4 Pregnancies, 2 Births - 2

This is not my favorite thing - going back and remembering.  Trying to gather all the small parts that have made up this big part of our life.  Because there are so many small parts.  I wished I had journaled it all then.

With the birth of Murnice, I knew that I wanted to pursue something in the more natural field of medicine.  I thought a good place to start was becoming a doula.  It was a simple weekend class, read a few books - and that qualified you to attend births.  Which I wanted to do.  I wanted to be part of the magic that happens when babies enter the world.

I liked the class.  Abhorred the instructor.  And never finished the course to qualify becoming a doula.  Ok, the honest truth is - I didn't think I was good enough/knew what I was doing.  (which goes back to my lie that I'm not good enough)  And I did abhor the instructor, which didn't help with me feeling supported in pursuing.

So then I decided that I was going to go to massage therapy school.  Murnice was 18 months when I started.  I loved, loved, loved, massage therapy. I loved my classes. I loved my classmates.  I loved the consistency and schedule.  And I loved that I was at the top of my class.  I met some really great people.  And I became in the know of the body and how to naturally treat.  I loved learning.  And  I started learning about how to naturally treat infertility.  I felt like a queen.

A couple of things I remember about my infertility and going to massage school.
1)  My closest friend at school had a miscarriage (years ago) when the baby was 3 months.  She was so lovely to me during this time in my life.
2) I decided to try infertility treatment at a clinic (which I'll write about more in a bit) but for those of you who have taken Clomid - (and for those of you who have NOT taken Clomid) know that the vaginal area smells worse than 7 rotting fish carcases.  And when you smell that special, and you're naked on a massage table - you feel pretty self conscious.  Not to mention, hyped up on all sorts of hormonal highs and lows.   . . . .  I was treated so lovely and gently.
3)  In the back of my head, or you could say - in my mind's eye - I felt that at graduation I would be pregnant.  It was just a feeling I had.

With infertility, you must be baby free after trying to conceive for one full year before you are named "infertile".  After trying for almost two years to conceive I decided I wanted to give drugs a try.  Because I firmly believe that God is not always just going to hand over what's wanted.  Sometimes you have to work hard.  Sometimes you have to open yourself up to new ideas.  God has given us a brain.  And God has guided the brain to create medicine.  I remember not wanting to do the meds, but that want of a baby was bigger.

The clinic was awful.  But that was my own perception.  I walked in with an almost 3 year old.  And there was a lot of hate and anger and judgment given to me through eyes.  I felt awful parading my 3 year old around and wanting another baby.

I remember having to go to the clinic it seemed like every other day.  Getting blood drawn, checking levels, checking viable eggs.  I remember freaking out about taking Clomid - the possibility of having multiples.  And not wanting that.  To the point where if the choice was multiples or none, I was choosing none.  The medical team decided that I should take only half of the recommended dose.  I remember wigging out with having so much blood drawn.  And crying a lot.  I remember the nurse who was a Christmas Angel who was so sweet to me, and used the baby needle.  And I literally didn't feel a thing.  And I thought she was magic.  I remember when it was time to have my eggs checked, there was only a male doctor to do it.  And he was so rough and insensitive, physically and emotionally.  I am angry that I allowed somebody to treat me the way he did without standing up for myself - physically and emotionally.  I am angry that Big D just stood there watching what was happening.  But I think he was in as much shock as I was.  I never went back.  And I didn't get pregnant.

That's all I'm writing today.