I was a silly girl in school. I teased teased teased - and never gave in. My, what a nice Christian girl I was. Pat me on the back please. My roommate Penny and I would talk about who we should date, and how delicious so and so looked and how unfortunate it was that Garth wasn't interested in us. Dreamboat Garth. His long lecherous legs, and perfect sandy red hair. And the perfect mom and dad (and probably a dog and sister). And he loved Jesus and sang so nice. Did I mention his smile? Perfectly manly plump lips with celebrity like white teeth. Yes, the smile was the clincher. But Garth only smiled to Penny and I. That polite smile. And we finally moved on, looking else where for the attention we sought. There were so many lovely choices: the Laundry Boys, Morgasm, Big Mike, Dave Feliz Navidad, various church boys who lacked a special name, various co-worker boys, various friends from highschool boys - that sums it up. We really made our rounds. (That sounds awfully hussy-ish)
And then Penny says to me, "you should just marry Big D". And I said, "I will".
I wondered who Big D was. Because I had never heard of him before. But I knew that I would marry him. And Penny said, "lets call him right now". Yes lets. Lets talk to this husband of mine. It was relatively early. Maybe 9 pmish. Penny called. His mom answered and said that he was in bed. *snickers* but she woke him up.
The first few sentences I uttered to him: "Hey Big D, I just bought some boy shorts". (Now, to most of you readers, you probably assume I'm talking about those cute little bottoms that go on girls buns. The girls who don't want all their buns hanging out - but no. No, I am not talking about any sort of cuteness. I am in fact talking about literal boy shorts that I bought at American Eagle. Shorts that looked like culottes. With huge pockets, and strings and threads hanging down around like fringe. And worn spots. The bottom was nonexistent. Swallowed whole by the notion of fabric. Droopy drawers?) Hey Big D, I'm going to be your wife and I look guuuuuud. Banging is more like it. But only because I wear boy shorts. . . . Honestly, I have no idea of what he said back to me. Something nice. The thing I do remember: his voice was slow and sleepy and v.e.r.y. raspy - and that's the last time I heard that voice.
So back when Big D was young. And tried to impress me - all the time. This is what he was like/did/I remember
1) he had a low, slow, and raspy voice
2) he loved to be woken up to talk to his beloved *giggling*
3) he wore too small jean shorts with WAY to small sport jerseys
4) his hair would actually resemble something instead of a spooked hedgehog
5) he had 5 stomach muscles
6) minimal body hair - just enough to be manly vs. boyish
7) he always smiled when he saw me, and would seek me out - but only with his shirt off
8) he drove a muscle car
9) he would chase my friends around in his underwear
10) he was never too tired to stay up and listen to all my exciting chatter
11) he had muscles
12) his hands were rough
13) he thought my body was delectable - ok, he imagined it was delectable
14) he thought I was ugly
15) he told me that if I ever started to "like" him, we would have to stop being friends
16) he had the worst singing voice
17) he stood up to Brother Bear and Sister Barry's shenanigans
18) he did not do anything for himself (ie cook, wash clothes)
19) he made out with my face - after he started to like me, but I still didn't like him ;)
20) he loved Jesus
21) he had a broken arm from punching somebody
And that's all I'm going to say about that. Today.
Take Aways
1) I liked boys
2) Penny is a whiz at matchmaking
3) Clearly I was not a whiz at introductory conversations
4) Farm boys did it for me
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