Disclaimer - for those of you who think manners are nice, this post may not be for you. I did warn you that I am undignified.
We are on a budget. And Big D gets paid every other week. I guess they also call that biweekly. Or does that mean two times a week? Regardless, those envelopes get filled twice a month - which brings me two happy days out of the month. And today was 1 of those days.
Of course everybody was up early and I rushed the beautiful children through their breakfast so that we could begin the most glorious day of the month thus far.
Now sometimes rushing through morning rituals is not a good way to start out a morning on the town, but time was of the essence. And sometimes you just have to power through. And I powered through.
We managed Wegmans - WITH the tractor trailer shopping cart in tow. I only smashed into the entry door. Other then that, no accidents. I didn't even have to get running starts to move the beast, like I had to last time.
Store 1 done. 4 to go. Feeling like a queen.
Hobby Lobby next. I only had to look at one measly thing. Key word *look* since I didn't know if they would have that particular item. Because it was going to be a short trip I opted out of the shopping cart. I thought Ed might enjoy some freedom.
We walked v.e.r.y. slowly enthralled with all the beautiful breakables looming, begging to be touched. So many owls and balls. All glass. (I think the whole store is glass, actually) Finally making it to the fabric section. I begin my rapid search and immediately get a very unpleasant feeling in my lower belly. "This is quite unfortuante", I think to myself - looking faster. And I begin to feel a sense of urgency. Maybe even a small hint of panic. I never come to this store. I have no idea where the facility would be hiding out. But I assume it's on the complete opposite side of the store.
I calmly call the children to come, that we're going to take a walk. "Why mom!!!" they squawk. "CAUSE MOTHER IS GOING TO SHIT HER PANTS!!!" I roared.
Not really. I quietly whispered that I needed to use the bathroom. Now Murnice understands the urgency of this predicament because she doesn't wear diapers. Ed on the other hand wears a diaper, and likes his freedom of leisure.
I am quickly learning the stupidity of my choice of not grabbing a shopping cart upon our entrance. I envision throwing both kids in the cart, sticking my ambulance light on my head (I keep one in my bag) and racing, running full tilt to the bathroom (where ever it is) Both kids would be plastered against the side of the cart. That's how fast I would be running.
But I can't run. I have to walk. Very slowly. There are just so many interesting things to look at. So many wonderful colors. At this point I am now holding both children's hands, half dragging them, squeezing my buns, squeezing my buns as we begin the long walk of the perimeter of that store.
There happens to be a door every couple of aisles. You know the door - no merchandise beyond this point and employees only. Sometimes bathrooms are there, in those forbidden zones. I have hope though, that there is a real bathroom somewhere. A door that doesn't seem so threatening.
I finally walked the whole back of the store with everything intact. I came across a store employee. I cheered loudly in my head and asked him as calmly as I could where the restrooms where. I for sure did not want him to think that I was about to unload in my pants. I wanted to give off an aire of "how annoying, my child has to use the bathroom for her bladder is the size of a pea". I think I succeeded. And we begin our walk down the next wall in the general direction of where we were pointed.
I begin to breath a little heavy. Thinking of how I would make my exit of Hobby Lobby with full pants. Would I just pretend that nothing is going on behind me? Would I try to clean up what I could in the bathroom? All of my choices are not pleasant. I know what awaits me. (Have I told you that time that I did unload in my pants after I had a baby? Yup, that happened. And I don't want to do that again) My steps are getting smaller and smaller and faster and faster. I can feel the sweat rolling down my stomach and under my arms. What little bit of muscles I have left from birthing babies are just a quivering. I imagine my little muscles standing up, pushing as hard as they can against the wall that holds every ounce of dignity that I own. Their faces beat red, giving it everything they've got. I am now a lightheaded, sweaty, shaky nutcase.
I burst through the bathroom door. 3 bathrooms. ALL. OF. THEM. EMPTY. *high kick, Michael Jackson twirl, and jazz hands*
I let that animal instinct take over. Biggest bathroom here I come. Anybody in a wheelchair MUST. WAIT. I ruled that bathroom. I WAS QUEEN. You talk about power. Power was served. Power was had.
This is how much Jesus loves me. NOBODY came into that throne room the entire time of power ruling.
I AM LOVED
Take aways:
1) always have a cart when you have children with you shopping
2) do more kegels
3) don't rush the morning rituals
Nice going. Literally.
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