I'm so angry. And tired. But not like physically tired, just tired emotionally.
I took a few weeks off because I wanted to be kinder to my body. It was hard writing everyday. It took a few hours. Hours that I should have been reading to the men. Or hours I should have been sleeping. Or hours I definitely should have been watching tv.
But today is a good day for an update. A humorless update. Because I'm angry and tired. And looking at the computer screen is making me nauseous.
I finished my 30 day worm cleanse and am still alive. I had a really REALLY good week towards the end. My lungs felt great. I had great energy. I felt me-ish. I went to my ND while feeling this great and I left with a good report. The first good one I've had from her. My treatment plan was beginning to show signs of breakthrough. It felt so good to hear that. I've cried many times in her office getting worse and worse news, so to have good news was beyond magical.
Do you know that when I get a bad report, she asks my body if there is an emotion holding back healing? Guys, nothing can break you faster than when your body tells the practitioner your deepest secrets. Your pushed back, hidden. When your practitioner tells you that your body can't heal because of too much terror. . . . Not anxiety. Not fear. Not uncertainty. But hard terror. You just cry. Your ugly that desperately needed a name has a name. And it's the truth. And now you have a name to pray against.
All of this journey is ugly and lonely and filled with terror. Because I don't know what tomorrow looks like. It's a centimeter forward and 14 giant leaps back.
The constant questions of: is your diet helping you? Are you feeling better? The answer is: I DON'T KNOW!!!! But I do know that I DO feel better than I did back in April. I can see marked progress. I know that I'm on a healing journey that's headed in the right-ish direction. I know that for the rest of my life I will have this autoimmune disease. There is no cure. Just the constant conscience decision of being kind to my body. Making beneficial choices when it comes to eating. When it comes to social situations. I LOVE saying no. It's really my favorite. And I NEVER feel guilty.
Marriage is hard right now too. I don't have the energy to try to put my thoughts into complete and comprehensible sentences. That's how I feel with praying too. I just need to be telepathic with Jesus and Big D for awhile. There is so much messy going on that needs so much work. And I literally am sweeping it all under the rug until formation of thought and word can happen.
The kids do nothing but fight. It just sounds like a continual 911 phone call being made, that tone of a ridiculously high-strung human. That tone . . . . . The fighting and fighting and complaining . .. . . And I think to myself, heaven sounds so wonderful.
WW sleeps in our bed every night. It's not the end of the world, but it makes sleeping not as wonderful as one could hope.
Hence the anger. Because nothing is going right. It's just chaos. At home. In the world. On silly stupid facebook. And all I want to do is: be warm naked, do yoga on an incredible beach, drink some form of delicious drink, and hear and feel peace. Where people love each other because of each other. Because we're such gifts to each other and we forget that. To see the good and THAT to be focused on. To speak only truth to each other.
And all of this not-righness, can start with me. I need to be ok that life isn't heavenly. That time will come. I need to greet this mountain with freakin' joy. I need to be a restful place for others. I need to speak with as much tongue control as I can muster. And I need to believe and give myself permission to LIVE WELL now. In the really ugly, messy. I don't need to, nor should I ever wait - for good, before I allow myself to enjoy, or smile, or engage. Or whatever "living well" means to me in that moment.
On a worm note:
Lots of stuff came out. I am looking very forward to my next cleanse in another 90ish days. Right now I'm doing my lung cleanses. So far I feel like it's a complete waste of my time. After that I'll move on to the kidney cleanse. And then I'll begin the "waiting" protocol until I can do another 30 day, kill the worm cleanse.
My diet:
Continues to be strict. But I have been cleared for sweet potatoes, peas, and rice. I have also added in beans occasionally. It is AMAZING how those 3 simple foods make eating that much easier and more enjoyable.
And now I'm going to go disappear for another stretch of time, desperately hiding in the moments of peace, willing my adrenal glands to heal.
Can I give you permission to live well, now, too?
Monday, October 10, 2016
Thursday, September 15, 2016
Day 16
I'm struggling with anger today. A wise lady once told me that when you struggle with anger it generally is because there are things in your life that you have no control over. And you're mad about it. And stressed about it. And clearly not kicking them off to God to deal with. "Them" being our stressors.
I'm glad I've been given this wisdom. I'm glad for people speaking truth into my life. Can we all do that a little more to and for each other? Gosh darn it, lets all stop being offended by so much silly stupid stuff.
So I'm angry today. I don't notice it until I'm just trying to eat my blasted breakfast. And I can't. I can't even sit down to cram day 58th's worth of eggs down my throat. It's constant stupid mothering. (Read "stupid" right. I'm not saying mothering is stupid. I'm saying stupid mothering, as in - break up this fight, clean up the pee that was thrown out of anger, find my cup before I die...)
And before I know it, I'm angry. I'm not angry because I can't eat. Frustrated, yes. But the anger comes from that which I can't control. The stuff where I literally have to take second seat and just wait and watch and hope. So much hope.
I think the parasites are having a hay-day in my bladder. It's awesome. And frustrating. Waiting, watching, hoping.
The parasites are also effecting my lungs (which I haven't talked about) Which is 399573 times frustrating. More waiting, watching, hoping.
As another dear old goat said to me, "I guess I never realized how much truth there is with the 'stress can kill you' "thought/scientifically proven piece of awesome evidence. Yup, living and breathing (sorta) the dream over here.
So I'm angry and worn down. It's only Thursday and this week should have had 14 Thursdays in it - according to how slow it's moving.
Side comment/story - Sometimes God speaks to us directly. And sometimes very indirectly. Sometimes gently and sometimes it's like a cold hard slap across the most tenderest of fatty bits on your body. The past few days I think He's speaking indirectly but very forcefully. Can that even make sense? There's no other explanation.
I'm not a good "housewife". We live like pigs. We have a semi-picked up house, and that's only because the kids do it. But cleaned? Never. And I think God is trying to make a point.
The first 3 pee piles were awesome. My floor was starting to look and feel quite clean with all the mopping. Throwing mother's flipflops through the kitchen while she was cooking dinner and knocking over her FULL glass of fresh lemon water, only brought more joy. And clean counter stools. The shattered raw almond jar from the freezer, made me gulp slightly. That was only $7 worth of almonds that needed to be thrown out. But at least I got to vacuum my freshly mopped floor. The cracks between my tiles are so crumb-free and magnificently fine looking. But the best part of all yesterday, was the fine cherry of a shit storm, on top. Slash Hansel and Gretel, slash Easter egg hunt, slash how much is God and the entire heavenly host laughing right now, slash this much poop is not possible - unless your kid ate a cup of raisins without chewing. So I guess that would be swallowing.
I would love to spend more time talking about:
A) How Big D thinks he could be on the high school girl's swim team.
B) How the tea I'm drinking tastes like a moldy tampon.
C) How I found a worm that resembled a chia seed in my underwears. All rolled up. And I saved it for Big D.
Also, I ate a sweet potato last night. I could hear Christmas bells ringing as I was preparing them. And then when I cut into them to portion out. Steaming and so sweety soft, I found them riddled with worms. We each ate a teaspoon worth of worm-free sweet potato. Which classified last night's dinner officially as Tiny Tim's Christmas Dinner.
PS - writing this much as taken 2 1/2 hours. That's how wonderful life is over here.
I'm glad I've been given this wisdom. I'm glad for people speaking truth into my life. Can we all do that a little more to and for each other? Gosh darn it, lets all stop being offended by so much silly stupid stuff.
So I'm angry today. I don't notice it until I'm just trying to eat my blasted breakfast. And I can't. I can't even sit down to cram day 58th's worth of eggs down my throat. It's constant stupid mothering. (Read "stupid" right. I'm not saying mothering is stupid. I'm saying stupid mothering, as in - break up this fight, clean up the pee that was thrown out of anger, find my cup before I die...)
And before I know it, I'm angry. I'm not angry because I can't eat. Frustrated, yes. But the anger comes from that which I can't control. The stuff where I literally have to take second seat and just wait and watch and hope. So much hope.
I think the parasites are having a hay-day in my bladder. It's awesome. And frustrating. Waiting, watching, hoping.
The parasites are also effecting my lungs (which I haven't talked about) Which is 399573 times frustrating. More waiting, watching, hoping.
As another dear old goat said to me, "I guess I never realized how much truth there is with the 'stress can kill you' "thought/scientifically proven piece of awesome evidence. Yup, living and breathing (sorta) the dream over here.
So I'm angry and worn down. It's only Thursday and this week should have had 14 Thursdays in it - according to how slow it's moving.
Side comment/story - Sometimes God speaks to us directly. And sometimes very indirectly. Sometimes gently and sometimes it's like a cold hard slap across the most tenderest of fatty bits on your body. The past few days I think He's speaking indirectly but very forcefully. Can that even make sense? There's no other explanation.
I'm not a good "housewife". We live like pigs. We have a semi-picked up house, and that's only because the kids do it. But cleaned? Never. And I think God is trying to make a point.
The first 3 pee piles were awesome. My floor was starting to look and feel quite clean with all the mopping. Throwing mother's flipflops through the kitchen while she was cooking dinner and knocking over her FULL glass of fresh lemon water, only brought more joy. And clean counter stools. The shattered raw almond jar from the freezer, made me gulp slightly. That was only $7 worth of almonds that needed to be thrown out. But at least I got to vacuum my freshly mopped floor. The cracks between my tiles are so crumb-free and magnificently fine looking. But the best part of all yesterday, was the fine cherry of a shit storm, on top. Slash Hansel and Gretel, slash Easter egg hunt, slash how much is God and the entire heavenly host laughing right now, slash this much poop is not possible - unless your kid ate a cup of raisins without chewing. So I guess that would be swallowing.
I would love to spend more time talking about:
A) How Big D thinks he could be on the high school girl's swim team.
B) How the tea I'm drinking tastes like a moldy tampon.
C) How I found a worm that resembled a chia seed in my underwears. All rolled up. And I saved it for Big D.
Also, I ate a sweet potato last night. I could hear Christmas bells ringing as I was preparing them. And then when I cut into them to portion out. Steaming and so sweety soft, I found them riddled with worms. We each ate a teaspoon worth of worm-free sweet potato. Which classified last night's dinner officially as Tiny Tim's Christmas Dinner.
PS - writing this much as taken 2 1/2 hours. That's how wonderful life is over here.
Tuesday, September 13, 2016
Day 14
I imagined I would be writing only about worms. But the truth of the matter, it's hard to write about something when they hide so well. In you and out of you. So I've come to terms with writing about the whole healing journey. (As if i haven't been doing that all ready) I've just come to terms with it today, and that's why I'm saying all this.
So today's daily dose of article reading is going to be on the Epstein Barr Virus and how that affects our bodies. I would love to know, did the chicken or the egg come first? In layman's terms - really, how did I get here? Because my whole previous life was a big shooting arrow straight to Hypo/hashi Land. What if I didn't eat gluten? Would that have made a difference? Or what if I didn't get mono ... ..would that have been the golden get out of Hellish Land for free ticket?
I think it was just meant to be. I think it was ordained and orchestrated, and the question remains - what am I going to do with it? It's almost as if I'm a real living Job. Just minus all the death and destruction and open skin wounds and ashes and sackcloth.
My next article is about bath time and how important baths are for cleaning and clearing out the toxins in our bodies. Actually that article doesn't say too much, just how to do it - but this one does. (If you scroll down) Ha! It's kinda like an oxymoron. Bath time and cleaning. Everybody knows that bath time is sit-in-your-own-filth time.
That's all I'm going to say today. I want to say more on the topics of beauty and marriage, but I don't want to. And I can't force it out. I'm not a faker. Including in the marriage bed. There. I said it.
I'm going to go eat now. Leftover dinner from last night. WHICH WAS AMAZING. The next person to come over for dinner is getting it. And they better pretend they like it.
Also, there's no dinner tonight. It's too warm out.
So today's daily dose of article reading is going to be on the Epstein Barr Virus and how that affects our bodies. I would love to know, did the chicken or the egg come first? In layman's terms - really, how did I get here? Because my whole previous life was a big shooting arrow straight to Hypo/hashi Land. What if I didn't eat gluten? Would that have made a difference? Or what if I didn't get mono ... ..would that have been the golden get out of Hellish Land for free ticket?
I think it was just meant to be. I think it was ordained and orchestrated, and the question remains - what am I going to do with it? It's almost as if I'm a real living Job. Just minus all the death and destruction and open skin wounds and ashes and sackcloth.
My next article is about bath time and how important baths are for cleaning and clearing out the toxins in our bodies. Actually that article doesn't say too much, just how to do it - but this one does. (If you scroll down) Ha! It's kinda like an oxymoron. Bath time and cleaning. Everybody knows that bath time is sit-in-your-own-filth time.
That's all I'm going to say today. I want to say more on the topics of beauty and marriage, but I don't want to. And I can't force it out. I'm not a faker. Including in the marriage bed. There. I said it.
I'm going to go eat now. Leftover dinner from last night. WHICH WAS AMAZING. The next person to come over for dinner is getting it. And they better pretend they like it.
Also, there's no dinner tonight. It's too warm out.
Monday, September 12, 2016
Day 13
Day 56 of eating straight eggs for breakfast. Literally, 56 straight days of eating eggs. And only eggs. No toast. No bacon. Sometimes an avocado. One day I made coconut flour pancakes and pretended they were amazing. And one day I made chia coconut milk pudding, and decided that eggs were actually a gift from Jesus himself. "Oh but Foxy, chia pudding is amazing! So much health in one little cup." Yeah, well. did your pudding have delicious things? Like berries and chocolate wisps? And some honey or maple syrup? And some fairy wing sparkles and unicorn dandruff? Well, mine had some unsweetened coconut milk, chia seeds and a few twigs and 14 pebbles. I gagged most of it down, focusing on the health benefits. But it literally tasted like cow snot. So it's eggs over here. Tomorrow it will be day 57. Thank you Jesus for chickens.
I continue to poop. I continue to assume/makeup/wish really hard, that the white things I see embedded in the poos are the cursed wildebeest worms.
Yesterday my mood was significantly low and testy. I also didn't poop. There is a large and significant probability that holding onto all those toxins for an extra day did NOT help. I wish I had realized this before I went to bed. Next time, enema for sure. Guys, for real. Toxins don't just affect physically, but also emotionally. I also was dealing with a lot of anxiety. Because basically I'm going to die any second. The anxiety could be coming from thyroid, candida, wormlies, adrenal, just pick one.
Talking about adrenals. Do you guys even know you have something called your adrenals? They sit on top of your kidneys. They're a pretty big deal slash, important. I'm going to add this article. Because I think Dr. Axe makes it's pretty simple to understand. And then this article mainly because I liked the picture.
My poor poor adrenals. I think they're about as dead as doornail. I even read that it's really important to not watch tv shows that are exciting. That's like everything I watch. So I'm not watching anymore. I guess it's going to be me and Doc Martin for awhile. That and medicinal, unsweetened tea. And a granny bedtime of 9:00. And a silky soft pastel pink nightgown that goes down to the floor. With puffed sleeves and 17 pearl buttons that go up the front, clear to my adams apple.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Guys, my beautiful Queenie got married this weekend. Big D and I went sans babies. First of all, it was 401 degrees. And I was pleasered than a punch bowl that I wore a shorter dress. But it did make it awkward when beads of sweat starting running down my legs. That happened. Also, with my ridiculously ridiculous diet, I had to leave the reception to go eat a boring piece of meat at the local pub on the corner. . . ... .... . . So much fanciness I had to pass up. "Ma'am, would like a whole bunch of fancy drenched in something you can't eat, topped with the devil himself?" Oh the Self. Re. Straint. I had to maintain.
Also, one of the best parts happened all too quickly. Big D and I were trying to dance. I say "trying" because we're old. And this new music they have out there is stuff that makes dancing hard. For old people. But let me tell you, there were some not old people who were dancing just fine. Anyway, so we're out there. Clapping off beat. Clucking our tongues. Trying not to step on the 47th wine glass that got dropped. Attempting to shake our skeletal money makers. . . . .. And this magical thing happened. This drunked girl grabbed Big D and threw him into this mini dance circle. 2 guys and 1 girl and Big D crammed into the middle. There was so much grabbing and twisting and humping and grinding and touching. I thought it was the most spectacular event. And over all too soon. And Big D almost started crying.
I need to wrap this up because I'm starving.
Dinnner
A plain burger on a bed of greens topped with sauteed onions
Asparagus
Boiled potatoes and carrots drowned in butter - not for me, of course.
And on an ending note, a question for all of you from Ed. Who is 5.
"What's worse than fake rocks at San Diego?" His answer is bad angels.
The end.
I continue to poop. I continue to assume/makeup/wish really hard, that the white things I see embedded in the poos are the cursed wildebeest worms.
Yesterday my mood was significantly low and testy. I also didn't poop. There is a large and significant probability that holding onto all those toxins for an extra day did NOT help. I wish I had realized this before I went to bed. Next time, enema for sure. Guys, for real. Toxins don't just affect physically, but also emotionally. I also was dealing with a lot of anxiety. Because basically I'm going to die any second. The anxiety could be coming from thyroid, candida, wormlies, adrenal, just pick one.
Talking about adrenals. Do you guys even know you have something called your adrenals? They sit on top of your kidneys. They're a pretty big deal slash, important. I'm going to add this article. Because I think Dr. Axe makes it's pretty simple to understand. And then this article mainly because I liked the picture.
My poor poor adrenals. I think they're about as dead as doornail. I even read that it's really important to not watch tv shows that are exciting. That's like everything I watch. So I'm not watching anymore. I guess it's going to be me and Doc Martin for awhile. That and medicinal, unsweetened tea. And a granny bedtime of 9:00. And a silky soft pastel pink nightgown that goes down to the floor. With puffed sleeves and 17 pearl buttons that go up the front, clear to my adams apple.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Guys, my beautiful Queenie got married this weekend. Big D and I went sans babies. First of all, it was 401 degrees. And I was pleasered than a punch bowl that I wore a shorter dress. But it did make it awkward when beads of sweat starting running down my legs. That happened. Also, with my ridiculously ridiculous diet, I had to leave the reception to go eat a boring piece of meat at the local pub on the corner. . . ... .... . . So much fanciness I had to pass up. "Ma'am, would like a whole bunch of fancy drenched in something you can't eat, topped with the devil himself?" Oh the Self. Re. Straint. I had to maintain.
Also, one of the best parts happened all too quickly. Big D and I were trying to dance. I say "trying" because we're old. And this new music they have out there is stuff that makes dancing hard. For old people. But let me tell you, there were some not old people who were dancing just fine. Anyway, so we're out there. Clapping off beat. Clucking our tongues. Trying not to step on the 47th wine glass that got dropped. Attempting to shake our skeletal money makers. . . . .. And this magical thing happened. This drunked girl grabbed Big D and threw him into this mini dance circle. 2 guys and 1 girl and Big D crammed into the middle. There was so much grabbing and twisting and humping and grinding and touching. I thought it was the most spectacular event. And over all too soon. And Big D almost started crying.
I need to wrap this up because I'm starving.
Dinnner
A plain burger on a bed of greens topped with sauteed onions
Asparagus
Boiled potatoes and carrots drowned in butter - not for me, of course.
And on an ending note, a question for all of you from Ed. Who is 5.
"What's worse than fake rocks at San Diego?" His answer is bad angels.
The end.
Thursday, September 8, 2016
Day 9
Something really great happened. Great = Gross. I poo'd. And when I whipped around to look, there was something glorious to behold. Two drinking-straw, in size, 1/4 of an inch in length THINGS were hanging out. OH. DELIGHTFUL. The problem being: we don't flush after we pee. We let our pee marinate and then go into the fermentation stage where it takes on a petrifying odor and thick sludgy color. So I can't explain my worms any more. I don't know what color they were. Or if they represented a tapeworm or a hookworm. Who wants to buy me a poop strainer so I can really really know? And who wants to write me a worm chant? Because every worm pooper needs a chant.
Confusing moment: Yesterday a truck drove by me with some sticker decal on his back windows. In the center of the window was a white, cut-out of Jesus's head at the time of his crucifixion. Thorns and tears, obviously. To the right and left of Jesus were stripper silhouettes. So . . . . we like Jesus AND strippers? We are showing Jesus's disapproval and sadness towards the art of stripping? (Notice I said "art of stripping" and NOT "strippers".) Or . . . .......... so many questions. Were they bought at the same time? What was the thought process? "I got Jesus and my girls. Gotta have both. At all times." I just. Cant.
The reality of my inabilities: I am petrified of spiders. That last sentence is an understatement. Odd bodily functions happen when spiders are seen and involved. And yesterday was a 3 for 1 day. And all of them I had to face alone.
The first one I call a ghost spider. They generally move slow and hide where the ceiling and the wall meet, but not corners. And they're very light in color. Not intimidating at all to the normal. But the worst to me. He was eye level in the shoe closet door jam. I decided a flip flop would be a logical killing device. I crammed that flip flop with much force into the corner and missed completely. I moved the flip flop away to attack a 2nd time, but ghost spider got some of his annoying sticky web on the flip flop, so when I pulled away to cram again, that spider came off the wall and was now attached to the flip flop. Of course screaming and dancing pursued and persisted. The spider is still missing. Which makes me very uncomfortable.
Number two was a large daddy extra-long legs. In the tub. Their favorite place. I grabbed the largest bottle we had on the tub ledge, and let. it. drop. With as much force as an almost empty bottle can muster. Missed him. DL starts running. I slam the bottle down harder and get one of his legs. He crumples in a heap, unmoving. And I think I've done it. I get an extra large wad of toilet paper, because far be it for a leg to soak thru and touch my delicate skin - and as I touch his leg, he jumps up so perfect and makes a limpy dash for it. Where ever it is. And then I begin the smash war. It was terrifying, but I persisted and won.
The last was the worst. The cursed bedroom spider. Black. 1000 legs. On the ceiling. And Big D out of town. Those are ones where you say a big prayer. "Jesus and the whole heavenly host, do something. Amen." I watched it for along time. It didn't move. I turned the light off - it moved. Clearly the answer was, light on. No sleep. I looked down for 1/2 a millisecond and WW gasps. (Why yes, he's in bed with me. Because ............his name is WW.) That dang spider was gone. WW doesn't talk so he couldn't tell me. But I did know that my nightmare just got a whole lot more exciting and exciting. I still have a dump-truck load of clothes on the floor, which everybody knows is the worst when it comes to a missing spider. Literally I would have to smash all my clothes with a baseball bat before moving them to the washing machine. AND I wouldn't be able to touch them with my bare hands. The use of a pole would have to be involved.
Guys, can I tell you that Jesus hears us and miracles still are happening? That gory creature dropped to the ground, missing all of my clothes by 2 inches, and literally just sat there. Stone still. I grabbed a shoe and threw it with all my might, and smathered him all of my floor into dead tiny pieces. The shoe will stay there until Big D can mop the floor, because a smeared tissue pick-up will never do.
That's my life. That's my story.
How am I overall feeling? Tired. Mostly tired. That's been a common theme for all of this sickness. But it does move around to fatigue, exhaustion and just simple tired. I'll take tired any day.
Dinner
Steak with avocado chimichurri
Leftover riced cauliflower
Broccoli
Grilled asparagus
Confusing moment: Yesterday a truck drove by me with some sticker decal on his back windows. In the center of the window was a white, cut-out of Jesus's head at the time of his crucifixion. Thorns and tears, obviously. To the right and left of Jesus were stripper silhouettes. So . . . . we like Jesus AND strippers? We are showing Jesus's disapproval and sadness towards the art of stripping? (Notice I said "art of stripping" and NOT "strippers".) Or . . . .......... so many questions. Were they bought at the same time? What was the thought process? "I got Jesus and my girls. Gotta have both. At all times." I just. Cant.
The reality of my inabilities: I am petrified of spiders. That last sentence is an understatement. Odd bodily functions happen when spiders are seen and involved. And yesterday was a 3 for 1 day. And all of them I had to face alone.
The first one I call a ghost spider. They generally move slow and hide where the ceiling and the wall meet, but not corners. And they're very light in color. Not intimidating at all to the normal. But the worst to me. He was eye level in the shoe closet door jam. I decided a flip flop would be a logical killing device. I crammed that flip flop with much force into the corner and missed completely. I moved the flip flop away to attack a 2nd time, but ghost spider got some of his annoying sticky web on the flip flop, so when I pulled away to cram again, that spider came off the wall and was now attached to the flip flop. Of course screaming and dancing pursued and persisted. The spider is still missing. Which makes me very uncomfortable.
Number two was a large daddy extra-long legs. In the tub. Their favorite place. I grabbed the largest bottle we had on the tub ledge, and let. it. drop. With as much force as an almost empty bottle can muster. Missed him. DL starts running. I slam the bottle down harder and get one of his legs. He crumples in a heap, unmoving. And I think I've done it. I get an extra large wad of toilet paper, because far be it for a leg to soak thru and touch my delicate skin - and as I touch his leg, he jumps up so perfect and makes a limpy dash for it. Where ever it is. And then I begin the smash war. It was terrifying, but I persisted and won.
The last was the worst. The cursed bedroom spider. Black. 1000 legs. On the ceiling. And Big D out of town. Those are ones where you say a big prayer. "Jesus and the whole heavenly host, do something. Amen." I watched it for along time. It didn't move. I turned the light off - it moved. Clearly the answer was, light on. No sleep. I looked down for 1/2 a millisecond and WW gasps. (Why yes, he's in bed with me. Because ............his name is WW.) That dang spider was gone. WW doesn't talk so he couldn't tell me. But I did know that my nightmare just got a whole lot more exciting and exciting. I still have a dump-truck load of clothes on the floor, which everybody knows is the worst when it comes to a missing spider. Literally I would have to smash all my clothes with a baseball bat before moving them to the washing machine. AND I wouldn't be able to touch them with my bare hands. The use of a pole would have to be involved.
Guys, can I tell you that Jesus hears us and miracles still are happening? That gory creature dropped to the ground, missing all of my clothes by 2 inches, and literally just sat there. Stone still. I grabbed a shoe and threw it with all my might, and smathered him all of my floor into dead tiny pieces. The shoe will stay there until Big D can mop the floor, because a smeared tissue pick-up will never do.
That's my life. That's my story.
How am I overall feeling? Tired. Mostly tired. That's been a common theme for all of this sickness. But it does move around to fatigue, exhaustion and just simple tired. I'll take tired any day.
Dinner
Steak with avocado chimichurri
Leftover riced cauliflower
Broccoli
Grilled asparagus
Wednesday, September 7, 2016
Day 8
I can feel my brain withering of words. It's over here like, "Foxy, you done good thinking of things to say, last week. But that tired us out so we're going to leave you high and dry okbyebye."
I said I was going to write during this cleanse and by golly I'm going to do it. Even if I have to recite poetry.
So, yesterday was my 50th day of being on the candida cleanse. And somehow it slithered by without fanfare, or toots from a horn, or even a clap parade. I literally feel jipped and now I have to wait another whole 50 days till I can properly celebrate with ... . ..... ..um ..... .......... . . . cooked cauliflower .... . . . . and water .............. . . .and maybe some chicken. I'll add some extra salt just to give it a good party flavor feel.
Extra thought for the day: you know when you get a small hunk of food that just sits in your throat cavities, and after a bit you notice them so you decide to hack them back up to re-chew and re-swallow? It doesn't happen to you? Apparently I'm supernaturally blessed in all forms. (minus the boob form) Anyway - so what if it's a worm that somehow is exiting through the mouth cavity, and I think it's food so I chew it up and then swallow. ................. I think that's more terrifying that pooping a head with fangs.
I received some great news today. I went to a doctor and didn't walk away with another disease. Yippee for me. No, really. I'm celebrating profusely in my heart. There are literal balloons and confetti.
I guess I'll back up a little bit. When I first got really sick, one of the symptoms I had was tingling in my face, hand-arms, and feet-legs. My pcp insisted that I go to an ophthalmologist to see if MS (multiple sclerosis) was a factor. I didn't go and didn't go, because nobody likes to hear about their body sucking and death looming. But that last time I saw the old pcp, she spanked me twice for not listening and then twisted my arm until I agreed to make an appointment. So, that's what that was all about. Also, the tingling has stopped. B-12 deficiency? Thyroid? Either or, or either - my body is getting what it needs and appears to be happy and tingleless. At least for right now. Praise Jesus.
I have not had to administer an enema in the past few days as my bowels are performing nicely. I do fear at some point an enema will be administered and I will not be able to get off the floor (yes, I'm lying on my right side on the bathroom floor - except our bathroom is very small, so head in the bathroom legs in the bedroom) quick enough, and the holy heavenly loads of liquid that have just been crammed up will have the unsightly urge to exit ceremoniously with great fanfare, clear across my bedroom, hitting everything in it's way including, but not limited to: my statue lady, the dump-truck load of dirty clothes, curtains, dresser, and the musical instruments - because every bedroom deserves a band.
Side note of our marital bliss report: Big D thought it was funny to come home from his precious swim this morning and greet me with a kiss, all while smirking. First of all, your smirk gave you away. Maybe I'm not sure what was given away, but I knew it wasn't a kiss from the heart. Number two, kissing me while completely and utterly despising me is also a dead give away of something not right and holy. It comes down to the truth of him just wanting to see how I'll respond. Kids, this is what you call playing with fire. And apparently Big D is a pyromaniac.
Py . ro . ma . ni . ac - a person suffering from pyromania.
Pyromania clearly is defined by Wikipedia as: an impulse control disorder in which individuals repeatedly fail to resist impulses to deliberately start fires in order to relieve tension or for instant gratification.
And THAT completely and wholly describes Big D.
Dinner
Garlic Thyme Chicken
Riced cauliflower
Green beans
Ps - does anybody want to tell me about how glorious their cheese was today? I need real, cheesy details. I am missing cheese so much and I need to live vicariously through others besides Big D who nibbles cheese like a rat and makes me nauseous.
Takeaways
1) Can I challenge you to read a chapter of Proverbs every day? There are 31 chapters, so basically it's perfect. Today I read about the man void of knowledge who ran straight into the arms of the harlot who's husband was away for awhile. She promised sweet love all. night. long. At first I was thinking "this is weird" and "this is not applicable to me at all". But what if it were switched in words/verbiage to Foxy, the woman who's brain is full of fluff who ran straight into the arms of (something unhealthy and life-squashing ie:) cheese, bad attitudes, . . . . ......(that's all i can think of) So, it's completely applicable. Can I challenge you to some wisdom this month?
I said I was going to write during this cleanse and by golly I'm going to do it. Even if I have to recite poetry.
So, yesterday was my 50th day of being on the candida cleanse. And somehow it slithered by without fanfare, or toots from a horn, or even a clap parade. I literally feel jipped and now I have to wait another whole 50 days till I can properly celebrate with ... . ..... ..um ..... .......... . . . cooked cauliflower .... . . . . and water .............. . . .and maybe some chicken. I'll add some extra salt just to give it a good party flavor feel.
Extra thought for the day: you know when you get a small hunk of food that just sits in your throat cavities, and after a bit you notice them so you decide to hack them back up to re-chew and re-swallow? It doesn't happen to you? Apparently I'm supernaturally blessed in all forms. (minus the boob form) Anyway - so what if it's a worm that somehow is exiting through the mouth cavity, and I think it's food so I chew it up and then swallow. ................. I think that's more terrifying that pooping a head with fangs.
I received some great news today. I went to a doctor and didn't walk away with another disease. Yippee for me. No, really. I'm celebrating profusely in my heart. There are literal balloons and confetti.
I guess I'll back up a little bit. When I first got really sick, one of the symptoms I had was tingling in my face, hand-arms, and feet-legs. My pcp insisted that I go to an ophthalmologist to see if MS (multiple sclerosis) was a factor. I didn't go and didn't go, because nobody likes to hear about their body sucking and death looming. But that last time I saw the old pcp, she spanked me twice for not listening and then twisted my arm until I agreed to make an appointment. So, that's what that was all about. Also, the tingling has stopped. B-12 deficiency? Thyroid? Either or, or either - my body is getting what it needs and appears to be happy and tingleless. At least for right now. Praise Jesus.
I have not had to administer an enema in the past few days as my bowels are performing nicely. I do fear at some point an enema will be administered and I will not be able to get off the floor (yes, I'm lying on my right side on the bathroom floor - except our bathroom is very small, so head in the bathroom legs in the bedroom) quick enough, and the holy heavenly loads of liquid that have just been crammed up will have the unsightly urge to exit ceremoniously with great fanfare, clear across my bedroom, hitting everything in it's way including, but not limited to: my statue lady, the dump-truck load of dirty clothes, curtains, dresser, and the musical instruments - because every bedroom deserves a band.
Side note of our marital bliss report: Big D thought it was funny to come home from his precious swim this morning and greet me with a kiss, all while smirking. First of all, your smirk gave you away. Maybe I'm not sure what was given away, but I knew it wasn't a kiss from the heart. Number two, kissing me while completely and utterly despising me is also a dead give away of something not right and holy. It comes down to the truth of him just wanting to see how I'll respond. Kids, this is what you call playing with fire. And apparently Big D is a pyromaniac.
Py . ro . ma . ni . ac - a person suffering from pyromania.
Pyromania clearly is defined by Wikipedia as: an impulse control disorder in which individuals repeatedly fail to resist impulses to deliberately start fires in order to relieve tension or for instant gratification.
And THAT completely and wholly describes Big D.
Dinner
Garlic Thyme Chicken
Riced cauliflower
Green beans
Ps - does anybody want to tell me about how glorious their cheese was today? I need real, cheesy details. I am missing cheese so much and I need to live vicariously through others besides Big D who nibbles cheese like a rat and makes me nauseous.
Takeaways
1) Can I challenge you to read a chapter of Proverbs every day? There are 31 chapters, so basically it's perfect. Today I read about the man void of knowledge who ran straight into the arms of the harlot who's husband was away for awhile. She promised sweet love all. night. long. At first I was thinking "this is weird" and "this is not applicable to me at all". But what if it were switched in words/verbiage to Foxy, the woman who's brain is full of fluff who ran straight into the arms of (something unhealthy and life-squashing ie:) cheese, bad attitudes, . . . . ......(that's all i can think of) So, it's completely applicable. Can I challenge you to some wisdom this month?
Tuesday, September 6, 2016
Day 5, 6, and 7
Checking in to say:
1) Literally, nothing of worth.
2) Something came out of my ladybits. (So, I guess we're best friends now since you read that and are now probably feeling weird that you know that much about me. But it's part of the cleanse. Worms come out of any orifice you have. And sometimes even your skin. So there, best friends.)
3) I see white stuff in my poop. It has to be worms. These aren't little flecks. These are glorious, white shining hunks peaking out of turd formations. I'm sure it's a head suffocated by fecal matter.
4) I completely and wholeheartedly see why some people have gloves, chopsticks, and strainers in their bathroom. You want to see the good work of your death pills. I'm not scared anymore. It's more of a victorious feeling. Probably how soldiers feel after an incredible massacre. Like really, I want to sing loud and boisterously while marching.
5) I pooped twice in one day over the weekend, and that made me feel like I just graduated from preschool and got the kindygarten ticket.
Ok, I'm going to leave you with my weekend tirade topic. NOBODY is caring what they put into their bodies. Do we even have a little bitty bit inclining or concern about what we are slowly doing over time? No. Obviously. I am discovering that EVERYTHING is related to the gut aka what we eat. EVERYTHING. Minus: bloody noses from brick throwing and broken legs from falling out of skyscrapers. The rest is completely linked to the gut. Here's a little controversial tear-inducing read.
Takeaways
1) Start learning about what you're putting into your bodies. What are those things that are on the ingredient list? What exactly is GMO and how does it affect us? (If it's not organic, it most likely is gmo, ps.) Did you know that soy is in almost everything? And do you know how and where citric acid comes from? (that's in everything too.)
2) They say, (the worm people) that by day 7 most of your parasites are dead. Now I just need to get them out. But realistically, I have such a raging case of worms, I'm going to have to go on the hefty defty duty pill for the next 7 years. (7 is the number of completion)
1) Literally, nothing of worth.
2) Something came out of my ladybits. (So, I guess we're best friends now since you read that and are now probably feeling weird that you know that much about me. But it's part of the cleanse. Worms come out of any orifice you have. And sometimes even your skin. So there, best friends.)
3) I see white stuff in my poop. It has to be worms. These aren't little flecks. These are glorious, white shining hunks peaking out of turd formations. I'm sure it's a head suffocated by fecal matter.
4) I completely and wholeheartedly see why some people have gloves, chopsticks, and strainers in their bathroom. You want to see the good work of your death pills. I'm not scared anymore. It's more of a victorious feeling. Probably how soldiers feel after an incredible massacre. Like really, I want to sing loud and boisterously while marching.
5) I pooped twice in one day over the weekend, and that made me feel like I just graduated from preschool and got the kindygarten ticket.
Ok, I'm going to leave you with my weekend tirade topic. NOBODY is caring what they put into their bodies. Do we even have a little bitty bit inclining or concern about what we are slowly doing over time? No. Obviously. I am discovering that EVERYTHING is related to the gut aka what we eat. EVERYTHING. Minus: bloody noses from brick throwing and broken legs from falling out of skyscrapers. The rest is completely linked to the gut. Here's a little controversial tear-inducing read.
Takeaways
1) Start learning about what you're putting into your bodies. What are those things that are on the ingredient list? What exactly is GMO and how does it affect us? (If it's not organic, it most likely is gmo, ps.) Did you know that soy is in almost everything? And do you know how and where citric acid comes from? (that's in everything too.)
2) They say, (the worm people) that by day 7 most of your parasites are dead. Now I just need to get them out. But realistically, I have such a raging case of worms, I'm going to have to go on the hefty defty duty pill for the next 7 years. (7 is the number of completion)
Friday, September 2, 2016
Day 4
Just a regular blahedy Friday.
Poop? (Since everybody's waiting. Waiting for the horror to happen. I really hope it does happen. Not for the sake of my nerves, but for the sake of the satisfaction and glory of it all.) I have a turd just sitting in the doorway. Just sittin'. So there's nothing to report - moving on.
Apparently God thinks I'm doing a pretty bad job at being joyful. Or maybe he's just being a constant reminderer. Either way, I'm getting bombarded with spanks or love. Like I said, I'm not sure.
A few nights ago when I wasn't sleeping, God told me to read Psalm 113. "Yup, I'll do that as soon as I get up, cuz .. uh ... I'm pretending to sleep now."
I can hear the "how do you know it's God"? Yeah, everybody is different and so God speaks differently to all. But for that instance: pretend sleeping, lamenting that I'm not sleeping, lots of grumbling, bad attitudes, hateful thoughts - that's all going on in my mind. And then Psalm 113 comes out of nowhere. That clearly is not my brain, because I'm not thinking about that. I'm not lying there counting the chapters of Psalms like you would be counting sheep. I'm nowhere near THAT holy. So Psalm 113 is just there, and since it wasn't me, and it certainly wasn't the devil - that leaves one other choice. JC.
I did what I said I would. Cuz I'm a woman of my word. (sort of) Psalm 113 summed up: Praise the Lord, all the time, forever and ever, never end the praising, just keep going, night to day, day to night, even if your leg is chewed off by an alligator, just keep it up, and the lady who can't have kids - I'm going to give you a house and kids. Amen. Look it up yourself. I'm not really kidding.
Next spank/love/reminderer - I think I'll just like to think of it as an encouraging message. I don't know why I have to look at everything in such a negative light. *David kissed me goodbye. He must be leaving me for good and finally running into the arms of Perky McBig Tits. Oh well, it was a mediocre run. I suppose I'll survive without him. Hooohuuummmm*
Blogpost that came in on the email this morning, talking about Joseph and the coat of many colors, Joseph: ..."Joseph, unjustly imprisoned, might have prayed to be released. We know that he sought help from his fellow prisoner, but when the prisoner - Pharaoh's wine taster - was relased, the man forgot Jeseph. For a couple more years.
It's easy to forget this period of the story, because we know the ending so well, when Pharoah dreams, the wine taster pipes up, Joseph is relased and becomes second in command over all Egypt, and the prophetic dreams are all fulfilled.
But during this time in prison - that's not so pleasant to think about.
And yet, Joseph had to be there, so that when Pharaoh dreamed, Joseph the dream interpreter was ready.
....If the Lord puts you in "prison", trust that he has a purpose for you there, and don't seek to leave prematurely. Seek to be faithful where Goad has put you, whether that's in prison or in the Pharaoh's court."
Taken from a Sonlight post
Dinner?
TBD or maybe it's just not going to happen because fall is sorta here. And it's almost too cold to eat. Or maybe we'll just have a pizza quiche. Or maybe we'll have pho.
PS - the world sang my praises for feeding them bleeding meat last night. They sang with glorified and uplifted voices. Even a few twirls were added in.
Takeaways
1) Eager Beavers are the absolute WORST types of people.
2) Can we just all work on being real with each other?
3) Remember how my brain doesn't work reeeaall well right now? So, yeah - my takeaways don't have to really match the mutterings of the day. Maybe I should name it instead: Random Brainfog Last Thoughts. Or even, FYI.
Poop? (Since everybody's waiting. Waiting for the horror to happen. I really hope it does happen. Not for the sake of my nerves, but for the sake of the satisfaction and glory of it all.) I have a turd just sitting in the doorway. Just sittin'. So there's nothing to report - moving on.
Apparently God thinks I'm doing a pretty bad job at being joyful. Or maybe he's just being a constant reminderer. Either way, I'm getting bombarded with spanks or love. Like I said, I'm not sure.
A few nights ago when I wasn't sleeping, God told me to read Psalm 113. "Yup, I'll do that as soon as I get up, cuz .. uh ... I'm pretending to sleep now."
I can hear the "how do you know it's God"? Yeah, everybody is different and so God speaks differently to all. But for that instance: pretend sleeping, lamenting that I'm not sleeping, lots of grumbling, bad attitudes, hateful thoughts - that's all going on in my mind. And then Psalm 113 comes out of nowhere. That clearly is not my brain, because I'm not thinking about that. I'm not lying there counting the chapters of Psalms like you would be counting sheep. I'm nowhere near THAT holy. So Psalm 113 is just there, and since it wasn't me, and it certainly wasn't the devil - that leaves one other choice. JC.
I did what I said I would. Cuz I'm a woman of my word. (sort of) Psalm 113 summed up: Praise the Lord, all the time, forever and ever, never end the praising, just keep going, night to day, day to night, even if your leg is chewed off by an alligator, just keep it up, and the lady who can't have kids - I'm going to give you a house and kids. Amen. Look it up yourself. I'm not really kidding.
Next spank/love/reminderer - I think I'll just like to think of it as an encouraging message. I don't know why I have to look at everything in such a negative light. *David kissed me goodbye. He must be leaving me for good and finally running into the arms of Perky McBig Tits. Oh well, it was a mediocre run. I suppose I'll survive without him. Hooohuuummmm*
Blogpost that came in on the email this morning, talking about Joseph and the coat of many colors, Joseph: ..."Joseph, unjustly imprisoned, might have prayed to be released. We know that he sought help from his fellow prisoner, but when the prisoner - Pharaoh's wine taster - was relased, the man forgot Jeseph. For a couple more years.
It's easy to forget this period of the story, because we know the ending so well, when Pharoah dreams, the wine taster pipes up, Joseph is relased and becomes second in command over all Egypt, and the prophetic dreams are all fulfilled.
But during this time in prison - that's not so pleasant to think about.
And yet, Joseph had to be there, so that when Pharaoh dreamed, Joseph the dream interpreter was ready.
....If the Lord puts you in "prison", trust that he has a purpose for you there, and don't seek to leave prematurely. Seek to be faithful where Goad has put you, whether that's in prison or in the Pharaoh's court."
Taken from a Sonlight post
Dinner?
TBD or maybe it's just not going to happen because fall is sorta here. And it's almost too cold to eat. Or maybe we'll just have a pizza quiche. Or maybe we'll have pho.
PS - the world sang my praises for feeding them bleeding meat last night. They sang with glorified and uplifted voices. Even a few twirls were added in.
Takeaways
1) Eager Beavers are the absolute WORST types of people.
2) Can we just all work on being real with each other?
3) Remember how my brain doesn't work reeeaall well right now? So, yeah - my takeaways don't have to really match the mutterings of the day. Maybe I should name it instead: Random Brainfog Last Thoughts. Or even, FYI.
Thursday, September 1, 2016
Day 3
Oh, the mood swings. How can one be perfectly perfect one second and then growling the next. I literally growled at Big D this morning. And flung dung. At his head. But that was in my head. I flung dung at his head in my head. Why? Because he kissed me goodbye. Naturally that deserved a cursed growl and dung flinging.
But when I was sitting and crying and flinging dung, the most magical thing happened. It happens every few weeks. And every time it happens, the feelings you get when you see a shooting star surface.
There's this dad in the neighborhood. Ghost dad. Because who really knows where he lives. Or even if he's a real human. But, he wears his roller blades and pushes the stroller with the baby in it. He flys. It's not a gentle baby ride. This man is going full-out, sweaty drip-balls workout. And it happens so fast that you feel lucky to have caught it.
I have a friend who has to make up a story in her head before she partakes of the goodness of the marriage bed. And it's not a fast story. It's a whole, big-kid chapter book. Scenes. Play-by-plays . . . Anyway, I saw GD and immediately my mind went into story-mode:
GhostDad: Hon I'm going to go to the gym
Baby: Wahhhhh
GhostWife: Richard!! I am trying to look beautiful. I have 4 more coats of mascara to apply and then I have my hair. You know how long it takes me to do my hair??!!! If you're going to the gym, you can just take the baby!
GhostDad: Petunia, I can't take him cuz kidwatch isn't open yet. It's only 7:15. . .
Baby: Wahhhh
GhostWife: Well, then why don't you put your stupid little rolleyblades on and go for a roll around the neighborhood!!
I do this thing where I like to imagine other people in the mornings. Getting ready. Or, not getting ready. I have this romantic notion that mornings are quiet and filled with warmish hot coffee and big fluffly robes and little sneaky kisses between lovers and clean rumpled sheets and soft sunlight streaks.
But probably the reality is, that it's exactly like my house. Growls and tears and filthy sheets and cold herbal coffee that tastes like a used enema.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I read a statement today that said: For every month you were sick, expect 1-2 months of healing. So, if I've been REALLY sick since April, and now we're in September I should start to feel or see healing changes in 5-10 months. But really how long have I been sick? I don't know. In November I noticed my hair starting to thin, but that's all I can go on.
You've probably heard the saying, "everything causes cancer". Well, I feel that way with thyroid junk. Everything causes thyroid problems. I learned today that a copper IUD can contribute to thyroid issues. Yup. had one of those. Also I have used steroids my whole life for skin pleasantries and lung function. And have swum in a chlorinated pool 3/4 of my life and have eaten brominated everything. And gluten! Gosh, apparently gluten is the devil himself. I even had mono. But you know, I'm just over greeting that mountain with joy. Blessed blessed joy.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Can I be honest? I really thought I was going to keel over and die on this parasitic cleanse. I know it's only been 3 days, and whole lot can happen in the next 27 - but I'm feeling pretty confident that life will remain.
So another part of my healing process is the use of coffee enemas. Yup, I give myself an enema. And I enjoy it. And it has come to my attention that I have horrific bowl control. The longest that I have retained said enema is 3 1/2 minutes. I'm supposed to do at least 15 minutes. The average that I can retain is about 54 seconds. So today was enema day since I didn't poo this morning. And remember, expelling the toxins is key to not feeling terribly sick.
I did indeed manage to poo right before the enema. And satisfaction was had when I saw 2 thread like ... threads sticking out. They must be worms because I will not take any other answer.
Dinner?
Bleeding meat on the grill
Brussel sprouts
Salad
WHERE ARE THE CARBS! There are none. Ever.
Takeaways
1) Do not look down on others oddities They're doing the best they know and believe how.
2) Question everything and believe nothing.
3) Educate yourself on candida. If you catch it early, you could save yourself a lot of , a lot ofs. (Dr. Axe is quite generous with his rules compared to everybody else FYI)
4) Schedule the most awkward sex of your life tonight. You won't regret it.
But when I was sitting and crying and flinging dung, the most magical thing happened. It happens every few weeks. And every time it happens, the feelings you get when you see a shooting star surface.
There's this dad in the neighborhood. Ghost dad. Because who really knows where he lives. Or even if he's a real human. But, he wears his roller blades and pushes the stroller with the baby in it. He flys. It's not a gentle baby ride. This man is going full-out, sweaty drip-balls workout. And it happens so fast that you feel lucky to have caught it.
I have a friend who has to make up a story in her head before she partakes of the goodness of the marriage bed. And it's not a fast story. It's a whole, big-kid chapter book. Scenes. Play-by-plays . . . Anyway, I saw GD and immediately my mind went into story-mode:
GhostDad: Hon I'm going to go to the gym
Baby: Wahhhhh
GhostWife: Richard!! I am trying to look beautiful. I have 4 more coats of mascara to apply and then I have my hair. You know how long it takes me to do my hair??!!! If you're going to the gym, you can just take the baby!
GhostDad: Petunia, I can't take him cuz kidwatch isn't open yet. It's only 7:15. . .
Baby: Wahhhh
GhostWife: Well, then why don't you put your stupid little rolleyblades on and go for a roll around the neighborhood!!
I do this thing where I like to imagine other people in the mornings. Getting ready. Or, not getting ready. I have this romantic notion that mornings are quiet and filled with warmish hot coffee and big fluffly robes and little sneaky kisses between lovers and clean rumpled sheets and soft sunlight streaks.
But probably the reality is, that it's exactly like my house. Growls and tears and filthy sheets and cold herbal coffee that tastes like a used enema.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I read a statement today that said: For every month you were sick, expect 1-2 months of healing. So, if I've been REALLY sick since April, and now we're in September I should start to feel or see healing changes in 5-10 months. But really how long have I been sick? I don't know. In November I noticed my hair starting to thin, but that's all I can go on.
You've probably heard the saying, "everything causes cancer". Well, I feel that way with thyroid junk. Everything causes thyroid problems. I learned today that a copper IUD can contribute to thyroid issues. Yup. had one of those. Also I have used steroids my whole life for skin pleasantries and lung function. And have swum in a chlorinated pool 3/4 of my life and have eaten brominated everything. And gluten! Gosh, apparently gluten is the devil himself. I even had mono. But you know, I'm just over greeting that mountain with joy. Blessed blessed joy.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Can I be honest? I really thought I was going to keel over and die on this parasitic cleanse. I know it's only been 3 days, and whole lot can happen in the next 27 - but I'm feeling pretty confident that life will remain.
So another part of my healing process is the use of coffee enemas. Yup, I give myself an enema. And I enjoy it. And it has come to my attention that I have horrific bowl control. The longest that I have retained said enema is 3 1/2 minutes. I'm supposed to do at least 15 minutes. The average that I can retain is about 54 seconds. So today was enema day since I didn't poo this morning. And remember, expelling the toxins is key to not feeling terribly sick.
I did indeed manage to poo right before the enema. And satisfaction was had when I saw 2 thread like ... threads sticking out. They must be worms because I will not take any other answer.
Dinner?
Bleeding meat on the grill
Brussel sprouts
Salad
WHERE ARE THE CARBS! There are none. Ever.
Takeaways
1) Do not look down on others oddities They're doing the best they know and believe how.
2) Question everything and believe nothing.
3) Educate yourself on candida. If you catch it early, you could save yourself a lot of , a lot ofs. (Dr. Axe is quite generous with his rules compared to everybody else FYI)
4) Schedule the most awkward sex of your life tonight. You won't regret it.
Wednesday, August 31, 2016
Day 2
I'm still alive.
But never have I ever walked around with tighter/flabbier clenched buns. The whole point of a worm infestation cleanse is to get rid of the worms. And I'm walking around keeping them in like they're the greatest. Or something special.
Petrified. To release my anal sphincter. I did it. Twice so far. I did find that having a stool under my feet (like the squatty potty) encouraged relaxation.
Poop 1
I got out of bed this morning feeling tired. And wouldn't you know, I'm stumbling around trying to find dirty clothes on the floor to put on, and a hairbrush to brush my remaining 103 hairs on my head - those worms start knocking. HELLO! Let the girl put on some deodorant before she has to face the fangs.
I clenched real good till I was ready for the day aka the worms. I even frushed my teeth. I was completely ready. Like, if the UPS man came - I was that ready. And then I answered the call of the wild worms.
It doesn't do anybody any favors to whip their body around after every ker-plop. It's a fine way to have to clean the bathroom a few times a day. Patience is a virtue. And a fine virtue to put into practice.
Alas, I saw nothing. And was completely relieved. And completely disappointed.
Poo 2
Every time my poo stalls, I imagine a long worm stuck, half in-half out, writhing wildly. Guys, fangs are real.
So, yup. Moving on.
But never have I ever walked around with tighter/flabbier clenched buns. The whole point of a worm infestation cleanse is to get rid of the worms. And I'm walking around keeping them in like they're the greatest. Or something special.
Petrified. To release my anal sphincter. I did it. Twice so far. I did find that having a stool under my feet (like the squatty potty) encouraged relaxation.
Poop 1
I got out of bed this morning feeling tired. And wouldn't you know, I'm stumbling around trying to find dirty clothes on the floor to put on, and a hairbrush to brush my remaining 103 hairs on my head - those worms start knocking. HELLO! Let the girl put on some deodorant before she has to face the fangs.
I clenched real good till I was ready for the day aka the worms. I even frushed my teeth. I was completely ready. Like, if the UPS man came - I was that ready. And then I answered the call of the wild worms.
It doesn't do anybody any favors to whip their body around after every ker-plop. It's a fine way to have to clean the bathroom a few times a day. Patience is a virtue. And a fine virtue to put into practice.
Alas, I saw nothing. And was completely relieved. And completely disappointed.
Poo 2
Every time my poo stalls, I imagine a long worm stuck, half in-half out, writhing wildly. Guys, fangs are real.
So, yup. Moving on.
Anyway, I consorted to patience this time. And when I was done I saw lots and lots of tiny, minuscule white line thingsies. Complete satisfaction knowing that something was dying. Smug. And pleased.
How I'm feeling:
Day 2 was when others started to feel gross from the toxins starting to multiply due to worm death. I am pleased to say that I feel no different minus being slightly more tired and slightly nauseous. Sounds like I'm pregnant. Maybe I am! (with worms) I've been following my tea and crumpet aka worm killer pills schedule like a kindygartner. And once again feeling smug that I have managed to stay on track for 1 1/2 days.
Dinner?
Lets talk about last night first. Chicken and beans are a common occurrence around here. But throw in some rutabaga soup and literally, batten down the hatches, secure your valuables, life is no more as it once was. Big D threw an entire chopped up jalapeno pepper in his small portion. Murn ate hers for breakfast with much lamenting. Ed cried and gagged his one required spoonful until daddy bribed him with a whole chicken leg if he finished his 1/8 of a cup serving. (Didn't you know that chicken legs are cool? And worthy of gagging and choking down 4 spoonfuls? They are.) WW wasn't even offered any. And I ate my bowl, pleased as punch, knowing that I was killing off candida.
Big D called me this morning (because we never see each other) to ask how I felt. Awkward, and what is that supposed to mean . . . ? Well, somebody had a tummy ache and wasn't feeling very well and wanted to know if it was the soup. *Why yes! You figured out my life squelching secret - I was trying to poison you all with rutabaga soup* 2 things: a) maybe your tummy doesn't like the entire pepper you crammed down your throat or b) maybe when I said you have too much yeast in your body, maybe I was right. Those are my best two guesses. All other guesses are not my best.
But dinner tonight? It's going to be equally as awesome. As dinner is, every night.
Sahwid with avocado green goddess dressing aka tear and gag-reflex inducing pig slop
Takeaways
1) When naming a blog, be wise. Never name it something you'll regret. Like, "Whispers of Love" or "The Witherhalls's Happenings" or "Bluebirds Sing the Beauty of the Earth". You're going to wake up someday and not want to talk about how love whispers anymore. Or fun zoo trips. Or how you gathered a whole bouquet of wildflowers on your evening walk. Maybe you'll wake up some day with your mind a fizzled mess of slow fog, and the best you can do is talk about poop.
2) Life is a continual of changing seasons. Really really embrace each one. I know that I won't be talking about poop forever. Someday I'll have life altering epiphanies and wisdom words and life giving faith speaks. But that's not today. And I'm ok with that. And you should be ok with the season that you're in too.
Tuesday, August 30, 2016
Mountains and Day 1 and Worms
Guys it's been so long that I totally forgot how to even find my blog, to write a new blog.
Anyway, I found it.
So remember when I had WW and stopped writing all together? Yeah, he was kinda the straw that broke the camels back aka my body. He didn't sleep for 22 months. Which meant that I didn't sleep for 22 months and that mixed with life and lifestyle habits and stressors, and food that was poisonous to my body led me to a whopping case of hypothyroidism (possibly and most likely hashimotos) a delightful overgrowth of candida and a delicious batch of over aggressive parasites. Not to sound like I'm cool and special or anything, like I'm the only one - 70% of the population has an overgrowth of candida and 90% of the population has awesome parasites. Mine just all collided at once and started to attack my thyroid.
I went to the mds after a week of what felt like a hangover. They took a lot of blood and clarified that my thyroid was dying and I was doomed to medication for the rest of my life.
I did some research and some talking, some webinar watching and more reading and decided that I wasn't going to take that as the final answer. One person telling me that meds is the only way doesn't seem to fit my bill, and I decided to go see a Naturopathic dr.
(I should have been blogging this whole journey, because there are so many good stories to tell)(But I didn't - because I couldn't, because my body was a shell of a human)
Long story short - I'm on the Candida diet. I cried much when this became a reality. I literally went through a week of mourning food. I mourned. And was angry. And cried, alot. And I'm not a big food person. I don't love food. But I found out that I survived many mothering moments with food. A glass of wine at night. An ice cold vanilla coke mid afternoon. Ridiculously creammmy mac and cheese for lunch (always homemade) The weekly Friday night take out dinner, mom doesn't have to cook meal.
All of that was taken from me with this new diet. I needed to starve the overabundance of yeast in this old temple. So, I'm allowed to eat non-starchy vegetables, chicken and beef, eggs, quinoa ..... yeah, that's about it. A few things here and there: some nuts, olive oil, avocado, Mmmmm and water.
So I'm doing that. Yes, I've lost weight. I had finally learned to love my extra, thank you WW, weight - and now it's gone. So I'm back to learning to love my newold self. The granny nips are hard to get over though ..
I'm taking a thousand supplements to boost and support and give strength to, and ease, and betterment, in Jesus name.
Anyway, now that my brain fog is S-L-O-W-L-Y lifting, (did I mention "slowly"?) I want to blog this mountain.
I said mountain because - In the very beginning, when it was so dark and bleak. When I had no idea what was going on or what to do or who to see - I woke up one morning with the words, "greet the mountain with joy". OBVIOUSLY I knew that it was God giving me these words. But it really bothered me that he said "mountain". Singular. Why not mountainS? Did I say "bothered"? I meant pissed.
It took me a few weeks to realize that THIS, this awfulness that my body was giving, was the mountain. God specifically told me to walk through the absolute worst part of my life thus far, with joy.
I would give myself a C-.
Oh, but the most important thing right now is that I'm on a parasitic cleanse. I started today. I am petrified of what is going to come out of my anus. Somebody wrote about an inch long head with fangs that came out. I am nervous. Frightened. Scared to death. (say a prayer for me please)
Remember that time that I named my blog "Undignified Mutterings"? Yup, I'm going to talk about poop for the next month. And I can, because I already warned the world that I was going to say a bunch of undignified stuff. Also, I can write my sentences anyway I want to. In any which format punctuation order feels best.
It's kinda like that time that I was a kid growing up, and my mother made me put the clean silverware away perfectly perfect. And she always said, "when you have your own house you can do it anyway you want to." Well, every freaking time I have clean silverware to put away now, as a full grown 34 year old - I stick it to my mother and any other person who has to have neat silverware, and I throw, *ahem* dump the silverware into the drawer. I can. Because it's my own house.
On to day 1
I am a nervous wreck. I feel tired, with a very low, light, slight, stomach ache. (Please be dying worms) My poop was quite green in color. No worms yet.
I'm nervous about getting the tea and the worm-killer pills all right at the proper time. If I don't, severe nausea will ensue. And the worms won't get the proper killer dosage. And then I'm just wasting my time . . .
What's cooking for dinner you ask?
Rutabaga chipotle soup
Crockpot rotisserie chicken
Green beans
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Was this a mess of a first-back-at-it-post?
Yup. I guess that pretty much sums me up right now. An absolute mess. Trying to do it with joy.
Takeaways:
1) ...blah ... there's so many, but I guess I'll give you this one: try a new vegetable this week and say a prayer for me while you choke it down :)
Anyway, I found it.
So remember when I had WW and stopped writing all together? Yeah, he was kinda the straw that broke the camels back aka my body. He didn't sleep for 22 months. Which meant that I didn't sleep for 22 months and that mixed with life and lifestyle habits and stressors, and food that was poisonous to my body led me to a whopping case of hypothyroidism (possibly and most likely hashimotos) a delightful overgrowth of candida and a delicious batch of over aggressive parasites. Not to sound like I'm cool and special or anything, like I'm the only one - 70% of the population has an overgrowth of candida and 90% of the population has awesome parasites. Mine just all collided at once and started to attack my thyroid.
I went to the mds after a week of what felt like a hangover. They took a lot of blood and clarified that my thyroid was dying and I was doomed to medication for the rest of my life.
I did some research and some talking, some webinar watching and more reading and decided that I wasn't going to take that as the final answer. One person telling me that meds is the only way doesn't seem to fit my bill, and I decided to go see a Naturopathic dr.
(I should have been blogging this whole journey, because there are so many good stories to tell)(But I didn't - because I couldn't, because my body was a shell of a human)
Long story short - I'm on the Candida diet. I cried much when this became a reality. I literally went through a week of mourning food. I mourned. And was angry. And cried, alot. And I'm not a big food person. I don't love food. But I found out that I survived many mothering moments with food. A glass of wine at night. An ice cold vanilla coke mid afternoon. Ridiculously creammmy mac and cheese for lunch (always homemade) The weekly Friday night take out dinner, mom doesn't have to cook meal.
All of that was taken from me with this new diet. I needed to starve the overabundance of yeast in this old temple. So, I'm allowed to eat non-starchy vegetables, chicken and beef, eggs, quinoa ..... yeah, that's about it. A few things here and there: some nuts, olive oil, avocado, Mmmmm and water.
So I'm doing that. Yes, I've lost weight. I had finally learned to love my extra, thank you WW, weight - and now it's gone. So I'm back to learning to love my newold self. The granny nips are hard to get over though ..
I'm taking a thousand supplements to boost and support and give strength to, and ease, and betterment, in Jesus name.
Anyway, now that my brain fog is S-L-O-W-L-Y lifting, (did I mention "slowly"?) I want to blog this mountain.
I said mountain because - In the very beginning, when it was so dark and bleak. When I had no idea what was going on or what to do or who to see - I woke up one morning with the words, "greet the mountain with joy". OBVIOUSLY I knew that it was God giving me these words. But it really bothered me that he said "mountain". Singular. Why not mountainS? Did I say "bothered"? I meant pissed.
It took me a few weeks to realize that THIS, this awfulness that my body was giving, was the mountain. God specifically told me to walk through the absolute worst part of my life thus far, with joy.
I would give myself a C-.
Oh, but the most important thing right now is that I'm on a parasitic cleanse. I started today. I am petrified of what is going to come out of my anus. Somebody wrote about an inch long head with fangs that came out. I am nervous. Frightened. Scared to death. (say a prayer for me please)
Remember that time that I named my blog "Undignified Mutterings"? Yup, I'm going to talk about poop for the next month. And I can, because I already warned the world that I was going to say a bunch of undignified stuff. Also, I can write my sentences anyway I want to. In any which format punctuation order feels best.
It's kinda like that time that I was a kid growing up, and my mother made me put the clean silverware away perfectly perfect. And she always said, "when you have your own house you can do it anyway you want to." Well, every freaking time I have clean silverware to put away now, as a full grown 34 year old - I stick it to my mother and any other person who has to have neat silverware, and I throw, *ahem* dump the silverware into the drawer. I can. Because it's my own house.
On to day 1
I am a nervous wreck. I feel tired, with a very low, light, slight, stomach ache. (Please be dying worms) My poop was quite green in color. No worms yet.
I'm nervous about getting the tea and the worm-killer pills all right at the proper time. If I don't, severe nausea will ensue. And the worms won't get the proper killer dosage. And then I'm just wasting my time . . .
What's cooking for dinner you ask?
Rutabaga chipotle soup
Crockpot rotisserie chicken
Green beans
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Was this a mess of a first-back-at-it-post?
Yup. I guess that pretty much sums me up right now. An absolute mess. Trying to do it with joy.
Takeaways:
1) ...blah ... there's so many, but I guess I'll give you this one: try a new vegetable this week and say a prayer for me while you choke it down :)
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