The Reality

I'm so angry.  And tired.  But not like physically tired, just tired emotionally.

I took a few weeks off because I wanted to be kinder to my body.  It was hard writing everyday.  It took a few hours.  Hours that I should have been reading to the men.  Or hours I should have been sleeping.  Or hours I definitely should have been watching tv.

But today is a good day for an update.  A humorless update.  Because I'm angry and tired.  And looking at the computer screen is making me nauseous.

I finished my 30 day worm cleanse and am still alive.  I had a really REALLY good week towards the end.  My lungs felt great.  I had great energy.  I felt me-ish.  I went to my ND while feeling this great and I left with a good report.  The first good one I've had from her.  My treatment plan was beginning to show signs of breakthrough.  It felt so good to hear that.  I've cried many times in her office getting worse and worse news, so to have good news was beyond magical.

Do you know that when I get a bad report, she asks my body if there is an emotion holding back healing?  Guys, nothing can break you faster than when your body tells the practitioner your deepest secrets.  Your pushed back, hidden.  When your practitioner tells you that your body can't heal because of too much terror. . . .   Not anxiety.  Not fear.  Not uncertainty.  But hard terror.  You just cry.  Your ugly that desperately needed a name has a name.  And it's the truth.  And now you have a name to pray against.

All of this journey is ugly and lonely and filled with terror.  Because I don't know what tomorrow looks like.  It's a centimeter forward and 14 giant leaps back.

The constant questions of:  is your diet helping you?  Are you feeling better?  The answer is:  I DON'T KNOW!!!!  But I do know that I DO feel better than I did back in April.  I can see marked progress.  I know that I'm on a healing journey that's headed in the right-ish direction.  I know that for the rest of my life I will have this autoimmune disease.  There is no cure.  Just the constant conscience decision of being kind to my body.  Making beneficial choices when it comes to eating.  When it comes to social situations.  I LOVE saying no.  It's really my favorite.  And I NEVER feel guilty.

Marriage is hard right now too.  I don't have the energy to try to put my thoughts into complete and comprehensible sentences.  That's how I feel with praying too.  I just need to be telepathic with Jesus and Big D for awhile.  There is so much messy going on that needs so much work.  And I literally am sweeping it all under the rug until formation of thought and word can happen.

The kids do nothing but fight.  It just sounds like a continual 911 phone call being made, that tone of a ridiculously high-strung human.  That tone . . . . . The fighting and fighting and complaining . .. . . And I think to myself, heaven sounds so wonderful.

WW sleeps in our bed every night.  It's not the end of the world, but it makes sleeping not as wonderful as one could hope.

Hence the anger.  Because nothing is going right.  It's just chaos.  At home.  In the world.  On silly stupid facebook.  And all I want to do is:  be warm naked, do yoga on an incredible beach, drink some form of delicious drink, and hear and feel peace.  Where people love each other because of each other.  Because we're such gifts to each other and we forget that.  To see the good and THAT to be focused on.  To speak only truth to each other.

And all of this not-righness, can start with me.  I need to be ok that life isn't heavenly.  That time will come.  I need to greet this mountain with freakin' joy.  I need to be a restful place for others.  I need to speak with as much tongue control as I can muster.  And I need to believe and give myself permission to LIVE WELL now. In the really ugly, messy.  I don't need to, nor should I ever wait - for good, before I allow myself to enjoy, or smile, or engage.  Or whatever "living well" means to me in that moment.

On a worm note:
Lots of stuff came out.  I am looking very forward to my next cleanse in another 90ish days.  Right now I'm doing my lung cleanses.  So far I feel like it's a complete waste of my time.  After that I'll move on to the kidney cleanse.  And then I'll begin the "waiting" protocol until I can do another 30 day, kill the worm cleanse.

My diet:
Continues to be strict.  But I have been cleared for sweet potatoes, peas, and rice.  I have also added in beans occasionally.  It is AMAZING how those 3 simple foods make eating that much easier and more enjoyable.

And now I'm going to go disappear for another stretch of time, desperately hiding in the moments of peace, willing my adrenal glands to heal.

Can I give you permission to live well, now, too?