Struggles of a Couch Lover

I'm doing this virtual bible study called:  Good Morning Girls.  Admitted - worst, cheesiest, run-away name ever.

But I'm doing it because  . . . . um . . . . lots of reasons.  My current house of worship does not have something that makes my toes sing, I don't feel like paying money to go to community bible study (cbs), I hate packing the kids up and then spending 17 hours to do something that appears and feels holy but only gets my crunchy panties in a twist and makes me feel like drinking before lunchtime.

So this seemed to be the perfect solution.  They provide me with everything I need - minus the bible, binder, and actual paper to be printed on.  And I can participate when I want.  How I want, with no panty twisting.

After you join, you can decide if you want to do the study on your own, or with a group of people.  And you can choose your own group through their forum.  Facebook, email, text, instagram.  Some groups actually get together face to face.  I love how it is so form-able to all different lifestyles.

At first, I had my wall built up 14 cubits tall and 16 cubits wide.  (That was a bible joke)  Because remember, I struggle with women.  But being on week 3, hearts are becoming apparent.  I don't feel the need to be so guarded.  And  I like that a lot.  I also like that I don't have to actually talk.  Because talking is the worst for me.  I can just write.  And writing is good.

What I really wanted to talk about today, is something that I struggle with.  Something that's been on my mind awhile.  Something that maybe other SAHMs struggle with.  Or maybe I just do.  Because I'm such a wench. (Actually I'm not a wench, I just wanted to say "wench".)

So - being in the work world, it's easy to feel like you're doing things for God.  You're generally around people all day long.  Doing things for people all day long.  You have this sense that you're helping and giving and sacrificing.  And the opportunity to share God's love is prevalent.  The opportunity is ALWAYS in your face.

When I was off my couch working in hospitals, going to school, massaging, etc - I was always in prayer.  Seeking direction and blessings.  I was able to do hard, gross things - in the name of "love".  And it felt good.  And rewarding.   And I felt like I was accomplishing things for the kingdom of God.  And earning extra jewels for my crown.  (That's an inside joke - the jewels part)

But now I live on my couch.  Unable to leave it for more than 17 seconds before the world falls apart. I do nothing but break up fights, and hold hands to help poop come out better, and make 8 year olds repeat every word they say like an 8 year old, instead of like a baby, and fight and fight and fight over concepts that were learned 4 years ago, and sing Pippi Longstocking songs that I don't know the words to, except "squish squish".  I wash dishes with food rotted on and drink tea with backwash in it, because Ed needs his daily tea almost as badly as I need my daily tea. And my new chore is cleaning pee off the back of the toilet 34 times a day, because somebody doesn't understand the dire importance of holding their peener down while urinating.

I feel worn out and disgusting most moments of everyday. I do not feel close to God.  Nor do I feel that I'm doing anything for the kingdom.  But I know this feeling is a lie.  This job is just more trying for me than my other jobs.  I can't leave this job.  Not for a second.  I'm tired.  I'm not EVER doing anything new or fresh.  The fights I broke up yesterday, are the same today, the same song, the same dirty dish, the same pee dribble.

But because my life and days feel so monotonous, I wanted to know if there was something else that I was supposed to be doing  Something a little more exciting.  Some other way to be giving, honoring.  I wanted to know if I was missing the boat.  I feel so lazy - just sitting on my couch, holding hands.

He said, "I want you to know me".

As great as it was to hear his voice so fast, that's not the answer I was looking for, or expecting.

You see, "doing" makes us feel worthy.  Because we still hold on to this belief that we have to earn God's love.  And acceptance.

And above all else, he merely wants our heart.  Our attention, to be part of our day.  Not our acts or services.  He wants to be friends.  And he wants to share his love with us.  Because he thinks we're that great.

The end.  Minus the part where I say - I don't need any comments from anyone that says something stupid like:  being a mom is the most giving, hardest job there is.  And other things on that same note.

Take Aways
1)  When we don't feel like we're doing anything, maybe it's a sign that it's a new season.  And relationships need to be renewed.
2)  A book that has been blowing my mind. lately.  It has a wah wah write up that makes it sound like only women with bleached coiffed hair in their 50s should read it.  But not so.  Ladies who wear 3 day old rotten underwear can read it too.  And like it.
3)  While typing up "number 2", Ed took such a big swig of tea, that he erupted into choking coughs, which spewed tea everywhere.  School books.  Couch.  Clothes.  Carpet.  Nay Nay.  Computer.  I drink black tea.  My heart is leaping for joy at the moment.

Nay Nay

Talking about fantasies, may as well jump to Ed's fetish.

Definition of fetish:  A course of action to which one has an excessive and irrational commitment.

Ed came out of the vaginal canal LOVING the feel of anything that resembled hair, in this mouth - while he sucked his fingers.  LOVES IT.  It used to just be my hair.  You know, when he was a baby, he would wrap his little fingers around my hair and then suck on it. So sweet.  But then he got a little older and started de-threading his "blue".  But the WORST discovery was, when he found "Nay".

Nay is a beautiful (*ahem* was a beautiful) white magical pony/horse.  And Nay has long blond hair for her mane and tail.  It WAS beautiful.  Murnice took such good care of her.  The hair glistened and gleamed.  And Nay looked so majestic.  How Ed found Nay, I'll never remember.  But Nay is no longer majestic.

Nay is no longer white. More like, dappled grey.  Her hair is knotted into one large dread.  One dread for the mane.  One dread for the tail.  And Ed loves nothing more than to get tangled up in "nay hair" and then suck his fingers.  He will weave his little fingers into the knots.  And sometimes his toes.

Last night he went on a weaving frenzy with his toes, and then got his whole foot stuck in Nay's dread.  And then screamed like a banshee.

Any hair formation  floating around on the floor is referred to as "nay hair".  Ed is finally getting better about throwing those jewels out.  He used to immediately cram them into his mouth and hide in a corner until I would find him with a mouthful of mystery hair and dust bunnies.

I feel sorry for his wife.

I took a few snap shots, trying to capture the moment - but it was difficult.  Nay hair sucking is a fast-moving activity, and my camera is s-l-o-w.  Fast-moving because fingers are constantly moving in and out of the weave.

 So, with the first one, you can see the blur of the fingers.  Entangled nicely.

 The second one depicts the wrapping of the toes.  It also showcases the fine dread that has been created.  And if you look real close, you'll see the dappled grey effect.  (Or is it affect?)

And here you'll see the sucking of the fingers and blue.

And that sums up Ed's life right now as a two-year-old.

Take Aways
1)  You can't choose who'll come out of you.


Fun Fact
While writing this post our neighbor stopped by.  Yup, it's 8:30 am.  And I look almost as beautiful as I did then.  Except this morning - I have my bangs parted down the middle with a bobby pin plastering them down.  I greeted her at the door and said, "do I look beautiful?"  Nothing like constantly being humbled.