You Can't Win Them All

It has been on my heart more and more - eating healthy.

I don't mean, drinking my milk and eating my greens.  Because I don't do either of those things.

What I mean is, looking more into the quality of the food I'm eating.  Going back to basics.  Real material.  Grandparent traditions.  You know, junk like that.

Just because it's been on my heart, doesn't mean that I'm doing it all-together-now, style.  I'm doing a lot of reading and researching.  What will work best with my personality and our lifestyle. . . . .

I'd like to thank Mother Green Toes and The Prairie Homestead for kicking starting me.  There are so many exciting things out there that I had no idea existed.  Like eating dirt.  And other things, that I did know about - but have never read an article that gave me the down-and-dirty (no pun intended), solid facts about - say, . . . .  the health benefits of squatting while turding.

Moving on . . . .

With that being said, in the middle of all this exciting reading that I've been doing, Big D and I have really been get. ting. it. on.  So much so, that there has been an alteration in my Ph level, leading to a collection of more yeast than normal.  *ahem*

Ladies, let me encourage you to stop rummaging through your chemical drawers, and start looking on your kitchen counters.  All's you need is a little of God's green earth crammed up into some-man's-land for relief and healing.

Healer of choice:  fresh garlic cloves.  Peeled of course.  It smells incredibly divine.  And makes me dream of fresh bread.

Midwife also suggested:  taking shots of apple cider vinegar. 

Ok, unbeknownst to the world (and Big D) I have been thinking about this for awhile.  But it sounds overwhelming.  And Easter eggish.  And oh, so sour.  And chore-ish.

But given the choice of being a walking bread machine, or not . . . .I'll take my shot.  With a happy heart.

I have never (I say this with truth) felt more like a queen.  The rush it provided.  Screams came out involuntarily.  Arms lost complete control, and flapped like a bird on crack.  It gave me more of a rush than skinny-dipping at an illegal location with 3 male friends in the middle of winter.  Would.  (Did).

Yes.  I will be doing this every night.  And ANY time I need to feel alive.

So, with garlic cloves and apple cider vinegar under my belt (no pun intended) - I'm really starting to feel like I'm moving somewhere.

The next step was (yes, I said was) to take some fermented cod liver oil every day.  It's such a small amount.  And the benefits alone would want to make anyone open up and swallow.

The kind of CLO I got - recommended to me by none other than, M.G.T (she is the queen of CLO) ALSO had coconut oil (health) and butter oil (wealth) (not really, just more health - and a bonus of oral health - which is great, because I don't go to the dentist.  Long story.) in it. 

Today was the day to crack open the bottle.  No reason why I chose today.  Probably because I was feeling so brave from my shot of ACV.

I did take a whiff before scooping my spoonful, (It was a solid, because of the coconut oil) which caused me to stare long and hard at that spoonful.  Thinking all sorts of encouraging and positive hogwash.  And then I said, "it can't be that bad."  And crammed it into my mouth.

At that precise moment:

a)  I thought I was going to die
b)  The phone rang
c)  I started to gag and dry heave
d)  Ed started screaming

I refused to spit it down the drain - because it cost so much money.  And so I started to frantically flail around the kitchen looking for a suitable dish to spit it into.  Now, once the offensive rotting fish liver is out of your mouth - it really isn't out of your mouth.  CLO mixed with coconut and butter oil - makes the thickest, most liquid-resistant coating known in the scientific world.  It also, somehow, swims up into your nasal passages.

You can gag and dry-heave all you want.  Blow your nose.  Cram your mouth full of chocolate cookies.  It's there to stay.  And you just have to go with it.

I answered the phone while cough-gagging.  Took care of screaming Ed.  And had 17 nightmares.  About what to do with my daily allotment of CLO.

I decided the next step, was to make a smoothie.  All sorts of yummy things.  Liver juice included.  I mixed it real good.  Smelled it multiple times.  I didn't gag.  I tasted it.  Didn't gag.  In fact, I couldn't taste Nemo's guts at all.

Oh, I was feeling real proud.  Until I got to the bottom of the barrel.  Only to see that the oil had hardened onto the bottom of my blender.  You know, with all the frozen fruits and ice cubes. . . .  (idiot)

Two tries for a day equaled enough turmoil.  And so I melted it with hot water and dumped it down the drain.

Except, when you mix fermented cod liver oil with hot water - you get a fine blast of death, in the face.  That permeates throughout the entire kitchen.  And fresh mingles with the old minglers - up your nose.

Key the gagging and dry-heaving, scene 2.

The cold water only hardened up the oil, which clogged the sink.  Leaving me to have to reinstate the hot water.

Key the gagging and dry-heaving, scene 3.

I finally dumped about a gallon of clorox down the drain.  And that seemed to neutralize the air enough to breath some.

I can honestly say:

1)  I'm not giving up yet.  One more recipe to try - and if that doesn't work, I'm going to choose to be ok with throwing it in the trash.
2)  That was the worst thing I have ever, ever tasted and or smelled.  It had me begging for my old offensive list of:  coconut water, beets, fish eggs, and . . . . splooge.  (TMI?)
3)  You can't win them all.

My health-aware goals for the next couple of weeks/months:

To make my own bread
To make my own yogurt
To make elderberry elixer
To make vanilla extract
To make dishwasher tablets
To continue to be aware of what I'm eating.  How is it being made?  What the heckity heck is in it?

P.S.  I can still taste fish lube.  It must be stuck to my lips.  They feel extraordinarily smooth.