It was a Saturday. Sunny and perfect and cozy. We were sitting on the couch together. Happy. I got up to use the bathroom. And my baby came out. No warning. And because I'd never had a miscarriage. Or thought about a miscarriage. Nor did anybody ever really talk about miscarriage. I was in shock. So much blood. And chunks and chunks. I remember being emotionally removed. Nothing can prepare you for the feeling of having something that you've created, die. And then empty out in the toilet. The disrespect for human life, with no other choice. I pulled chunk after chunk out of the toilet. Not sure what chunk was my baby. I stuck all of it in a bag, and then in the freezer. Desiring to put it in the ground at some point.
I don't remember anything else about that day.
The next day was my massage school graduation. The two things I didn't tell you: 1) my graduation was pushed 3 weeks later than it was supposed to be. So yes, I was pregnant when I was supposed to graduate. 2) For weeks leading up to my graduation (possibly even a few months) I had the feeling that I would not be attending my graduation. But had no idea why..
I contacted my classmates Saturday night to let them know that I would not be at graduation on Sunday. They were so sweet to me. During graduation they called so I could listen to the ceremony.
Over the next few days I spent a lot of time studying. I had to take the LMT boards in a few weeks.
I went to work like normal - pool job. That was weird.
I also had to get a bunch of blood work done. Make sure all of the baby came out. That was neat. They handed me grieving pamphlets and told me about circle groups. Asked if I was ok. It's weird to have that question asked so close to losing someone. They should wait a month or two before asking.
I didn't really tell anybody what happened. Just went on with life. Felt sad on and off. I wanted to talk about it with Big D, but he didn't want to talk about it at all. That made me mad.
On a happy note, I was so relieved that I could get pregnant. Now the challenge was just going to be, growing a baby.
Friends kept getting pregnant. And due dates would come around. Reminding me that I didn't have a due date anymore.
Early that spring, a job opportunity opened up. A director position for a pool at a fancy golfy club. I applied and looked fancy. Interviewed twice. And they offered me the assistant position. I declined after a smooshing dinner. It was a crap offer and they were trying to wrap it up in pretty bows. The awesome part was, the new director who was smooshing me, butt dialed me after I declined her offer. I called her back and she answered, and was horrified when she realized it was me. (That actually didn't sound as incredibly awkward as it actually was when it went down)
The beginning of July I got pregnant again. But I had been burned. And once you have a miscarriage, you don't look at any pregnancy with such simplicity.
As excited as I was, I just couldn't connect or bond with the thought of me being pregnant.
And I'm done for right now. While writing this blog - I also multi-tasked by chasing Ed back to bed for the past 35 minutes. I know that sounded cute, because I used the word "chase". But it was not cute. And now I am livid. And hot. And beyond fuming. And Big D is at work - working late.
So many blessings tonight.
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